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nikolives

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(no subject) [Jun. 5th, 2007|04:42 pm]
nikolives
I have a new LJ name- I'm feeling I've outgrown this one. My new name is 'gotopatagonia'. Friend me if you want to!
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Ready for drowning...(MSP) [Jun. 5th, 2007|01:30 am]
nikolives
Heres a true story
Said someone to me yesterday
Said hed heard it in a taxi
Must have had him at my mercy
Drown that poor thing put it out of its misery
Condemn it to its future deny its history - deny its history

So where are we going were not ready for drowning
So where are we going were not ready for drowning

Look through my venetian blinds
Dusting the past off my mind
Seeing orange everywhere
Id go to patagonia but its harder there
Ill do anything to prove I care
Fascinated by good
Destroyed by evil what is there to believe in

So where are we going were not ready for drowning
So where are we going were not ready for drowning
So where are we going were not ready for drowning
So where are we going were not waving we are drowning
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(no subject) [Jun. 4th, 2007|01:27 pm]
nikolives
[Current Music |the pursuit of happiness- I'm an adult now]

I had a really nice weekend in Haapsalu and Hiiumaa, enjoying the quietness of the western coast and bucking myself against the fierce coastal winds. I had just as positive of an experience there as I did in Viljandimaa, but it was a different type of experience that can't compare with what I had then. I got out of the cities and into someplace a little quieter, and it felt tremendously soothing to not think about school, packing, anything- just me and my thoughts. I got to hang out with my friend Jaune, who showed me around and made the experience better because it wasn't completely alone. It was a similar feeling that I had when I was in Helsinki, except I have known Jaune much longer than I knew Laura, and it wasn't in a huge city where a guide is better to have.

I said goodbye to my friend Lela from Georgia on Sunday night/Monday morning. I thought it would be tough, but it really wasn't. She was the second of my close friends to leave, and it really isn't going to be that hard, I don't think. I'm going to be able to come home, not really feeling sad, just feeling hopeful for another meeting in life with these amazing people I am living with.

It also helps that I am seeing parts of my home life fall into place, being able to move into a new flat (my folks have helped me find cheap furniture that might actually last as well, and they helped me move in some of it already, go them), thinking about classes, thinking about what the next two to three years have in store. I can't think as far ahead as I used to, I'm going to get myself let down in some aspects of my life...I can just hope for something to good to happen and hope what I want to happen will be so. I don't let some of it get to me like I used to, and I laugh at myself for being so paranoid before because I have lived outside of the American fear culture for long enough to think some of it is plain stupid.

Going home, to me, is a chance to start anew with my life. Sure, some of the old things are there, but it's a fresh start for me, a new context is taken. I'm not a beer-swilling blue-humoured undergraduate anymore- I'm going to be a coffee and whiskey-drinking graduate student and a TA, with my own flat, my family nearby, the girl i love even closer, and a crazy experience that can materially fit into a grocery bag and my mind as well. I'll spend the rest of my life thinking about how what this time in Tartu did for me, probably write about it, but never forget it.

I think I'm ready to go, too. I'm ready to see what this place will do for my life, because as Johannes says, the experience only begins when you get home...

ps: I may stop using this LJ and get a new name. More on that later.
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(no subject) [May. 31st, 2007|12:35 am]
nikolives
Last undergrad final, t minus an hour-40.
A chance to breath, t minus an hour-41.
Haapsalu, t minus 8 hours.
Norway, t minus 6 days.
Home, t minus 27 days.
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(no subject) [May. 29th, 2007|05:04 pm]
nikolives
It is so hot here- right now it's 74 and miserably humid. We don't have AC here, so everyone has the huge urge (and some do it) to sleep stark. Some people are even saying they'll sleep outside, but I'm not going that far. I don't want to be attacked by the bottle brigade (the poor people who scavenge the litter bins of Tartu for bottles to exchange for money; a six-pack is enough money to get a liter of milk or a cheap loaf of bread), who are known for occasional roughhousing, especially with eachother.

I'm burnt out on school. I love what I learn, but I'd like it better without my exam being so damn tough and vague to boot. I just have one more. That's it. Then I will officially have a BA degree, and I won't have to be in school for three months. This is actually the first summer where I won't be in summer school of some sort; first summer, I was at USI, second at BALSSI, third at field school and permaculture. In a way, it will be good because I get some air before I start grad school, when my classes get longer and tougher. Still, I can't help but feel amped about them.

The good thing about this summer is that I will be able to teach myself some things, without being in school. I'll see Norway and West Estonia, read Kerouac and deep ecology, go back to church (I think I'm going to go again to Unity in Evansville, or maybe UU), try to learn how to make black bread and some other foods. Best of all, I will get myself readjusted to home, and enjoy every moment with my Kateface, who I will see again in 28 days.. this makes me smile.

I have to sleep..I have class at 12 and Norsk at 4 tomorrow, and I haven't done my lesson for tomorrow. And i'm getting hot just sitting at my desk and feeling the laptop radiate my hands. Meh. I actually can't wait for AC.
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getting closer... [May. 29th, 2007|05:40 am]
nikolives
12-20 page 20th Century Baltic Political History research paper(done and done, thank God...ended up with a B plus)
10-12 page Estonian Literature research paper (done, not turned in)
5-7 page Estonian Culture research paper  (ended up being around 8-9 pages)
5-7 page Estonian Culture museum exhibit review  (turned in, no idea on results)
6-8 page Religious Situation in Estonia paper (turned in, got an A on it!)
10 minute presentation, Estonian culture (Wednesday) (went really well, friends and prof liked it)
Society and Culture of Canada final exam (Friday) (got an A on it- actually, quite easy...it became my favorite class)
20th Century Baltic Political History final exam (THURSDAY. Christ, it is going to be a doozy, so I have been studying for it already)

After Thursday, I am going here for a day:



It will be my first taste of the Estonia west coast, and a sucky bus ride...4.5 hours from Tartu-Tartumaa...still, I am excited!
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(no subject) [May. 25th, 2007|12:59 pm]
nikolives
I just had another satori in Viljandimaa. This time, I delved into the isolatedness of the countryside, found the home of Anu Raud, the textile artist and professor, and found myself really feeling Estonia, with trees, folklore, flowers, sheep, bus rides on a gravel road, and a feeling that God was present. Anu told me some incredible insight about religion in Estonia- God´s steeples could be found in the oak trees, not the churches.

oh, man! what a beautiful place, day, life. i went home happier than i had ever been in estonia, finland, latvia, sweden, anywhere this semester. and i doubt it will get better than that...
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(no subject) [May. 24th, 2007|04:51 pm]
nikolives

I´m going here to meet the textile artist my mum has dreamed of meeting. That way I can help her experience it....so off to Viljandimaa again tomorrow, once I try to rock out on my Society and Culture of Canada final....
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(no subject) [May. 22nd, 2007|12:45 pm]
nikolives
Lela, my good friend and the closest Georgian friend I have, took a walk last night around midnight, and after it was over, I was really sad. She is leaving in less than two weeks, and it was a rough reminder that I am going to be leaving this place soon. I went to bed with a small tear in my eye, thinking of how much this place means to me. I have decided to skip on going to Lithuania so I can have more time in Estonia. I feel like I can call this journey my own; I have truly developed a love for this place, with its beautiful land, its rich cultural history, and such a long tradition of respect for both. It helps I have studied this place pretty intensively this semester; I have studied its politics, culture, religion and literature, as well as about its diaspora community (in my Society and Culture of Canada course), and I feel like I have so much I still have, and want, to learn.
I want to study the art.
I want to go to the country for my mum and locate the textile artist she longs to meet.
I want to sit at Zavood more and enjoy one dollar espressos.
I want to keep seeing the sun shining at 10 pm and rising at 4 in the summer, and seeing the light indigo skies in winter.
I want more time with my Finnish, Italian, Georgian friends, and more time with my flatmate.
I want to keep feeling like I can keep studying without truly feeling like a nerd. That is hard to think about dealing without- here, I'm a studious person who is considered wise by my friends, but at home, I'm a nerd who some people think ought to be drinking and clubbing more.

Going home is not a problem for me, though. I will be ready to start a new part of my life and return to the things I have know. The big thing will be leaving my friends. I feel like I need to separate myself some already, but it is hard to because I want to savor every moment I have with them. Never before have I lived with such a caring, friendly, focused group of people, and it may never be like that again.
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(no subject) [May. 22nd, 2007|04:24 am]
nikolives
12-20 page 20th Century Baltic Political History research paper(done and done, thank God!)
10-12 page Estonian Literature research paper (3/4 done)
5-7 page Estonian Culture research paper  (not turned in yet)
5-7 page Estonian Culture museum exhibit review  (not turned in yet)
6-8 page Religious Situation in Estonia paper (turned in, got an A on it!)
10 minute presentation, Estonian culture (Wednesday)
Society and Culture of Canada final exam (Friday)
20th Century Baltic Political History final exam (next Thursday)

I am getting closer to undergraduate liberation...
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